I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Randomize
