Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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