i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
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