Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
