My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
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