mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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