My liver just broke up with me...
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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