fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
