I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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