I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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