i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
