I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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