Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
