My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
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