Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
