I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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