mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
