You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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