after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
