I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
