I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
