I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
