I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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