So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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