I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
