I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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