I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
she woke up with a sticky ear
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
