I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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