What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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