So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
