so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
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