Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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