you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Randomize
