...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Randomize
