I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Randomize
