You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
