Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
