I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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