The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize