Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
