Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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