sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
