I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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