Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
