i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
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