I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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