6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Apparently you make a good broom.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Randomize
