sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
