That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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