when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
