If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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