I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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