never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
