I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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