My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
