dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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