Can i not drive my cunt home
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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