I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Randomize
