Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
