If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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